Thawing, no, really, this time I really mean it!

This isn't quite the way I always pictured it would be.


But I don't care. I'm being thawed! There can be no doubt about it. I'm going to be eaten. I think I'm going to be a New Year's Day dinner!

It's got me to thinking about how easy it is to lose sight of the present by focusing yourself completely on some perhaps unattainable ideal. Will the reality live up to my expectations? I have spent an awfully long time sitting around dreaming about the big dinner - the cranberries - the gravy - oh, the potatoes.

And of course the answer is that it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that it's really finally happening. This is my purpose and I will serve it to the best of my ability. And I'm not sorry, not really, not now, that I've had all this time in the freezer. It's taught me a lot. I'll never look at green beans the same way, that's for sure.

I really hope I'm tasty.

A change?

Something has happened.

It's hard to understand, but must be a good sign, don't you think? This morning my owner took me out of the freezer, and I hoped he was going to start thawing me, but instead he packed me up and put me in the car and drove me across town, where he handed me to someone else. A new owner?

Oh my God. I've been regifted!

Not that I really care. After all, any owner has got to be more likely to eat me than the one I've had so far.

The new freezer is the same size as the old one, but with a lot more ice trays. They're empty. Also there are some frozen vegetables and - ooooooooh - potatoes.

I have fairly strong feelings about potatoes.

Two more days until Christmas! I think I'm finally going to be eaten! I'm so excited!

Just for a change

Today I got eaten.

Psych!!!

Just eight more days till Christmas, though! If I don't get eaten then, maybe I'll take up knitting.

Travesty

It's just wrong that I haven't been eaten yet, don't you think? Look at me: I'm plump! I'm juicy! I'm tender! I'm positively scrumptious!

Well, maybe Christmas 2006 will be the Big Day. I'm so ready. I hope the cranberry sauce isn't that canned crap, that's all I have to say. I deserve better.

Sometimes a frozen turkey is just a frozen turkey

Today a reader asked me, "Is your blog just a metaphor for being stuck in a pointless, meaningless, dead-end job with no hope, no possible end in sight?"

No.

Musings

Perhaps I should view this as an important lesson about the nature of existence: trapped in the wrong place, prevented by a random turn of circumstances from fulfilling my destiny.

Perhaps I'm lucky to have such a clear and unquestioned faith in what I was intended for. Many creatures don't have that.

It's important to keep these things in mind. All of us are powerless in one way or another, some more so than others. I am pretty completely so: there's nothing at all I can do, really, to bring about the culmination of all my dreams. Ironically, there are creatures like my owner, or like you, dear reader: gifted with free will and dazzling cognitive abilities, with talent, with beauty, with opposable thumbs: able to mold the world to your desires - only you have no idea what you want.

So take this lesson from a frozen turkey: Find your dream and pursue it, golden creature of freedom and power. And if you really have no idea what you want, you might try slathering yourself with mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. It sure would work for me.

Worried

As you can see, I did not get eaten for Thanksgiving. I didn't expect to be - or so I thought. I guess maybe I did.

When you want something really, really, achingly, desperately badly, it's almost impossible to believe that it might not happen.

Christmas is coming, but I'm nearly a year old now. Will my owner eat a frozen turkey that's a little over a year old? What if I taste off? What if I'm - oh, God forbid - dry?!?!?!?

Post-election musings

Well, it looks like the Republicans got their asses moderately handed to them in the last election.

Many pundits have been speculating that the reason for this is because voters are merely reacting to arrogance and a sense of entitlement on the Republicans' part, and that this shift towards the left is not so much indicative of affinity for Democratic ideals as it is anger at the Bush administration and the things that the party in power has done over the last few years.

I'm sure there is some of that. However, I can't help thinking that, to some extent, the more "liberal" ideals of tolerance and laissez-faire (pardon my French) are not really as marketable as extremist philosophy. You shout about anger and about wanting drastic change. You can't really compose catchy chants about equality, fairness, justice, and peace. Or you can, of course; and throughout history, protesters have - but it's not as easy.

It seems to be "common knowledge" that the center-to-left movement lacks focus and passion. But is that really fair? Must politics always be about who can shout the loudest? Isn't it better to arrive at conclusions logically and dispassionately, rather than through knee-jerk reactions to outside stimuli? If so, it seems to me a great pity that people have to be roused to the point of outrage in order to bring about any meaningful change. This is a state of affairs that can only escalate, and to no one's ultimate benefit.

It will be interesting to see how the Democrats use their new leverage in Congress and the Senate; it is devoutly to be hoped that this recent change will lead to a new sense of balance and better dialogue between opposing sides. But I won't be around to see it, because I'm going to be eaten soon.

What does a frozen turkey dress as for Halloween?

If the box on top of me is any indication, a frozen pizza.

Thanksgiving is getting so close. I don't dare to hope, but I can't help wondering. All I can think about is mashed potatoes. Do you ever have days like that?

A delicious recipe for me!

From FoodNetwork.com, here is a delicious recipe for Good Eats Roast Turkey - that's me!

1 (14 to 16 pound) frozen young turkey
For the brine:
1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 gallon vegetable stock
1 tablespoon black peppercorns
1/2 tablespoon allspice berries
1/2 tablespoon candied ginger
1 gallon iced water
For the aromatics:
1 red apple, sliced
1/2 onion, sliced
1 cinnamon stick
1 cup water
4 sprigs rosemary
6 leaves sage
Canola oil
Combine all brine ingredients, except ice water, in a stockpot, and bring to a boil. Stir to dissolve solids, then remove from heat, cool to room temperature, and refrigerate until thoroughly chilled.
Early on the day of cooking, (or late the night before) combine the brine and ice water in a clean 5-gallon bucket. Place thawed turkey breast side down in brine, cover, and refrigerate or set in cool area (like a basement) for 6 hours. Turn turkey over once, half way through brining.

A few minutes before roasting, heat oven to 500 degrees. Combine the apple, onion, cinnamon stick, and cup of water in a microwave safe dish and microwave on high for 5 minutes.

Remove bird from brine and rinse inside and out with cold water. Discard brine.

Place bird on roasting rack inside wide, low pan and pat dry with paper towels. Add steeped aromatics to cavity along with rosemary and sage. Tuck back wings and coat whole bird liberally with canola (or other neutral) oil.

Roast on lowest level of the oven at 500 degrees F. for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and cover breast with double layer of aluminum foil, insert probe thermometer into thickest part of the breast and return to oven, reducing temperature to 350 degrees F. Set thermometer alarm (if available) to 161 degrees. A 14 to 16 pound bird should require a total of 2 to 2 1/2 hours of roasting. Let turkey rest, loosely covered for 15 minutes before carving.

Oh, please, please, serve with lots of mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and sweet potatoes and jellied cranberry sauce and just anything else that suits your fancy. Aren't you hungry? Aren't you??

I'm lonely.

Today I'm feeling really lonely. There's nobody else like me here. I feel forgotten and abandoned. I am the turkey that nobody wants.

Why doesn't anybody want me?

My heart would break, but all I have is giblets.

Exciting day

Today I was not eaten. Hello? Is anybody even out there?

We did have a bit of drama in the freezer, though. Some frozen blueberries spilled out and left purple stains in the ice bucket and you would not believe how upset that made the squash, which didn't matter because the squash got eaten about 10 pm. And what does that tell you?

Anyway, the squash said to the blueberries, "Watch where you're going! You're making a mess!" and the blueberries said, "Up yours, squash, we're going to get munched down on and you're going to be sitting around in here forever!" and the squash was pretty pissed about that, but then you should have seen the expression on the blueberries' faces when the squash got eaten! Oooh! Burn! Freezer burn!!

What - you were expecting sophisticated humor from a frozen turkey?

Not Labor Day

Well, guess I'd better not be buying any white shoes.

Maybe Thanksgiving is it. Maybe so, who knows? But if not, it's okay. I am here to serve a purpose and it doesn't matter when that purpose is served. My faith has been cemented by these last few months in the freezer. I have this wonderful sense of serenity.

All the trimmings

Does August even have any holidays that would justify eating a turkey? I don't think it does. But maybe I'm a Labor Day bird.

I don't even like to entertain hopes of being eaten for Thanksgiving, which is getting so close now. But last night I had that dream again.

Defrosting

Today I got poked, seriously jabbed, by a stalactite. Or is it a stalagmite? The ones that hang down, you know. A frigging icicle, okay?

Anyway, the owner put me, and all the other freezer inhabitants, out on the counter for at least 45 minutes while he chipped and chiseled away, getting the freezer defrosted. I have to say, there's a lot more room in here now. But what might the partial thawing have done to me?

Sometimes I'm pained by the sense of just how much younger I'm not getting.

Heat

It's on days like this that you're really glad you live in the freezer.

Didn't get eaten today, by the way.

Hopes

Today there was a lot of activity in the freezer. My owner bought a carton of ice cream AND a frozen pizza.

I should have realized before that anybody who buys that much frozen pizza won't be cooking a turkey anytime soon.

But I am hopeful again. I don't know, I just get so down sometimes, you know? And I lose sight of the fact that we're talking about my destiny here, and my destiny will happen. I don't know when, but I know that it must. Predetermination may have its downside, but you gotta admit, you always know where you stand with it.

Soon.

Waiting and dreaming

I hate the waiting game.

It's so hard when there's something you really want, really need, really believe in, and if only someone else, the right someone else, would believe half as much as you do, everything would work out, everything would be wonderful. And maybe it will - surely it will. But when?

Sorry this blog has taken a whiny turn lately. But last night I had a dream that I was hot and golden and full of cornbread stuffing, sitting on a big platter. I woke up and just wanted to cry.

Sad day

Today I didn't get eaten. Again.

I know, I know, chin up, keep a stiff upper lip and all that stuff. But I don't even have a head.

Today I am feeling really down.

An idea

Could he be saving me for Thanksgiving?

When you come to think of it, it's not really all that unlikely. Christmas isn't really about turkeys. It's more about geese, or hams. (I knew a few frozen geese back in the old days and hoo, boy, could I tell you some stories!) But Thanksgiving? It's all about the turkey!

That's a really exciting idea. I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up, because they've been dashed before. And Thanksgiving is still months away. And who knows, maybe my owner is actually wanting turkey dinner on Fourth of July, and I wouldn't complain about that! But Thanksgiving, now, that would really be something.

Spring!

Ah, spring! When a frozen turkey's fancy turns to dinner.

Not that you're all that aware of the changing of the seasons when you live in a freezer.

Still, it's kind of primal, isn't it? The blood kind of gets to coursing in your veins - if you have all that stuff - and you feel fresh and young and full of life.

And of course I'm frozen and have been around for kind of a while now and am not, strictly speaking, alive in the first place. But still: spring!

Maybe Easter? Ha!

Or maybe not.

I just need to learn patience. It has to happen sooner or later. Someday I must be eaten, I must be. It is my fate. I can't do anything to bring it about more quickly, but I also couldn't escape it if I wanted to. I will be eaten.

In the freezer still

I haven't felt like blogging in a while.

The new freezer is a little bit larger than the other one, so that's nice. I do kind of wish my owner would quit piling stuff on top of me.

Sometimes my faith falters a little. But surely he wouldn't have kept me around for so long if he weren't going to eat me. I thought for sure St. Patrick's Day would be the day, but I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.

Maybe Easter!

False alarm

It's almost more than a frozen turkey can take sometimes.

He packed me into a box with the other items from the refrigerator and freezer. He drove me to another apartment. He unpacked the box. He put me in the freezer.

This time there's a bag of frozen green beans right on top of me. I hate green beans.

It can't be good to have partially thawed and refrozen, can it? I hope I am still edible.

Thawing!

I can't believe it! I'm being thawed! This is incredible! I'm out on the counter of my owner's apartment. This isn't right - he's supposed to thaw me in a sink full of water, but I don't want to be picky. This is it! I'm going to be eaten!

It's kind of odd for him to be starting a turkey this late in the day. The apartment seems big, and uncomfortably warm, after all my time in the freezer. There are lots of boxes.

He appears to be packing everything into boxes. What a strange thing to do. Well, as long as I'm getting eaten, I could care less if he does a hornpipe! Cranberry sauce, here I come!

Valentine's Day

Maybe he likes a turkey dinner on St. Patrick's Day.

Today is not the day

A bunch of new arrivals from the grocery store today, including a frozen pizza on top of me. Well, it's not the first time it's happened, and I guess it won't be the last. I'm becoming inured to indignities.

Maybe it'll be Valentine's Day.

Not fair!

What the hell has ice cream got that I haven't got?!? Huh?!?!?

I'm sorry. Trying to be patient. Still, what am I, chopped liver?

Looking on the bright side

I haven't felt much like blogging in a while.

I mean, I guess I can keep indefinitely in the freezer, right? Maybe my owner doesn't like turkey on Christmas. Maybe he likes it for Valentine's Day. It's not like I really care. I'm frozen: I can wait.

Oh God, it was hard when the green beans got eaten, though. Hard to see other food come and go and still be waiting here. But I can wait! I'll keep telling myself that. I'm just as good as the day I was frozen. My dinner will come.