Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Your Civic Duty

Today is Election Day; and if I hadn't already been eaten, this is the day I'd like it to happen on. I'd still be good. Frozen turkeys keep indefinitely, you know.

For those of you who are not conceptional abstracts, or stuck in the freezer for that matter, be sure and do your civic duty and go vote! Naturally, I'm an Obama supporter, but everyone should vote their mind and their conscience whatever they believe. The frozen green beans are Republican through-and-through.

Have you ever sung in a chorus? I haven't; I'm poultry, for gosh sakes, so I'm just tossing this out as an example here. When you're part of a choir, everyone blends together harmoniously to produce something that seems greater by far than the sum of its parts. When you hit that zone, and perfect harmony is achieved, you can't even hear your own voice while you're singing. You've temporarily ceded your individuality towards the creation of something much grander and more noble, which nonetheless couldn't exist without you.

Of course, the electoral college system means that sometimes the basses get a little carried away, stomp over and kick the tenors' ass.

Still: vote! I can't, because I'm merely an abstract representation of what was once a big chunk of frozen meat; and imagine the fuss if I turned up at the polls. But you can. Make a difference! Vote!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Nice Turkeys Finish Last

So they always tell us, and perhaps my pre-consumption experiences bear it out: No one wants to eat you if you actually want to be eaten. No; the key is to be calm, casual, indifferent, perhaps even slightly adverse to the prospect of being dished up with gravy and mashed potatoes.

But I always felt much too passionate about mashed potatoes to be able to pretend I didn't care for them, let them think what they might.

Sometimes I wonder if I am unique in my ardent devotion to potatoes. Other people find them rather dull, and regard them merely as a filler to supplement more exciting dishes. These people just don't get it. They have no appreciation for the complex subtlety of the flavor of really good mashed potatoes: buttery, creamy, substantial, with perhaps just the faintest hint of onion and garlic. Leave the gravy off; it will overpower the glorious delicacy of the flavor. The occasional lump only serves to enhance the overall smooth texture of the dish. Delicious!

Perhaps I ached too intensely to be cooked and eaten; perhaps I tried too hard. Maybe that accounts for the lonely months I spent being shuttled from freezer to freezer, doing my best to bear with the indignity of having frozen pizzas and green beans stacked on top of me, watching carton after carton of ice cream be bought and consumed while I languished, alone.

But I got eaten, didn't I? I did - so in spite of everything you've ever read, the nice turkey got its just potatoes in the end. So take heart, human reader: there is hope for you too.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Hard To Believe We're in Heaven?

Here in Heaven, hors d'ouevres is French for "hours of eggs."

Jealous much?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007


Do not grieve that I have crossed
To - I can't tell you where;
Do not weep, do not be lost
And burdened down with care;

Don't ache for what you cannot reach,
In time, you will come too;
You cannot know, do not beseech -
Now is not time for you.

You dream I miss you: and I might,
And still watch, from above,
And warm your presence, in the night
Outlived by lasting love;

Or nothing may yet wait beyond,
And void alone is death.
But you won't care, when you are gone,
Live, live, while there is breath.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Joyful Wishes from Beyond the Oven

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I feel a bit smug saying that, since I've already been eaten. Thanksgiving used to be a day of intense anxiety followed by deep disappointment. Now I can freely and cheerfully wish you joy. I'm thankful!

Wherever you are, whether you want to be there or not. Hope everything is juicy! Just please try to hold off on the Christmas music for a few more hours, if you don't mind.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Wish yourself away

The holidays are a rough time for a lot of people. Before I got eaten, they were a real bitch for me: is this finally the one? Will this be the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's/Easter/Fourth of July/St. Patrick's Day/Arbor Day for which I came into existence?

Now maybe your situation is a bit like mine was: stuck in the freezer with a bunch of green beans and frozen pizzas stacked on top of you, not knowing if you'll ever be able to get out. It's hard. You have this idealized vision of the perfect holiday feast, surrounded by the ones you love. And instead you have to go somewhere you don't want to be, with people you don't even like.

Did I say people? I meant frozen foods.

It's lonely, and frustrating to feel how little choice you have in matters that concern you the most. You don't get to decide who you live with or what you do or where you go. It shouldn't be this way.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

"Pennsylvania Dutch" Sour Cream Apple Pie

Via the Austin Chronicle, the most heavenly apple pie you will ever taste in your life.

Pennsylvania Dutch Sour Cream Apple Pie


1.5 cups flour

1/2 tsp salt

3 Tbs sugar

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut in chunks

2-4 Tbs ice cold apple juice to bind

Combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and cut in the cold butter chunks with a pastry cutter until the mixture resembles pea gravel. Carefully add the apple juice a little at a time until the dough comes together in a ball. Wrap the dough in plastic wrap and chill for at least an hour before rolling. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and place in a deep 10-inch pie pan, crimping the edges in a decorative pattern. Chill the pie shell while filling is assembled.


1 1/4 cup sour cream

1 large egg

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup flour

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp vanilla

7 Granny Smith (or other crisp, tart apples) peeled, cored, and sliced

Preheat oven to 400deg. F. In a mixing bowl, whisk together the sour cream and the egg. Combine the sugar and flour and whisk into the liquid mixture. Add the salt and vanilla. Place the apple slices in the custard as they are sliced. Pour the apple custard into the prepared pie shell, place on a cookie sheet, and bake for 10 minutes at 400deg. F to set the crust. Lower the heat to 350deg. F and bake for 40 minutes more. While pie is baking, prepare topping.


1 cup flour

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

a dash of salt

1 cup walnut pieces

6 Tbs melted butter (approx)

Combine dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and carefully add melted butter, working with hands to form a crumbly topping. When the pie has baked 40 minutes, remove from oven, completely cover the apples with topping and return to oven for 10 minutes more at 350deg. F. Remove from oven and cool on a rack. This pie must be stored in the refrigerator but it tastes best at room temperature or warmed just a bit. It will serve 10 people and there are rarely any leftovers.