A Day in the Afterlife of a Frozen Turkey

Your Civic Duty

2008-11-04T06:50:00.003-06:00

Today is Election Day; and if I hadn't already been eaten, this is the day I'd like it to happen on. I'd still be good. Frozen turkeys keep indefinitely, you know.

For those of you who are not conceptional abstracts, or stuck in the freezer for that matter, be sure and do your civic duty and go vote! Naturally, I'm an Obama supporter, but everyone should vote their mind and their conscience whatever they believe. The frozen green beans are Republican through-and-through.

Have you ever sung in a chorus? I haven't; I'm poultry, for gosh sakes, so I'm just tossing this out as an example here. When you're part of a choir, everyone blends together harmoniously to produce something that seems greater by far than the sum of its parts. When you hit that zone, and perfect harmony is achieved, you can't even hear your own voice while you're singing. You've temporarily ceded your individuality towards the creation of something much grander and more noble, which nonetheless couldn't exist without you.

Of course, the electoral college system means that sometimes the basses get a little carried away, stomp over and kick the tenors' ass.

Still: vote! I can't, because I'm merely an abstract representation of what was once a big chunk of frozen meat; and imagine the fuss if I turned up at the polls. But you can. Make a difference! Vote!

Nice Turkeys Finish Last

2008-06-22T18:16:00.002-05:00

So they always tell us, and perhaps my pre-consumption experiences bear it out: No one wants to eat you if you actually want to be eaten. No; the key is to be calm, casual, indifferent, perhaps even slightly adverse to the prospect of being dished up with gravy and mashed potatoes.

But I always felt much too passionate about mashed potatoes to be able to pretend I didn't care for them, let them think what they might.

Sometimes I wonder if I am unique in my ardent devotion to potatoes. Other people find them rather dull, and regard them merely as a filler to supplement more exciting dishes. These people just don't get it. They have no appreciation for the complex subtlety of the flavor of really good mashed potatoes: buttery, creamy, substantial, with perhaps just the faintest hint of onion and garlic. Leave the gravy off; it will overpower the glorious delicacy of the flavor. The occasional lump only serves to enhance the overall smooth texture of the dish. Delicious!

Perhaps I ached too intensely to be cooked and eaten; perhaps I tried too hard. Maybe that accounts for the lonely months I spent being shuttled from freezer to freezer, doing my best to bear with the indignity of having frozen pizzas and green beans stacked on top of me, watching carton after carton of ice cream be bought and consumed while I languished, alone.

But I got eaten, didn't I? I did - so in spite of everything you've ever read, the nice turkey got its just potatoes in the end. So take heart, human reader: there is hope for you too.

Hard To Believe We're in Heaven?

2008-05-04T22:21:00.001-05:00

Here in Heaven, hors d'ouevres is French for "hours of eggs."

Jealous much?

Forgetting

2007-11-27T22:28:00.000-06:00

Do not grieve that I have crossed
To - I can't tell you where;
Do not weep, do not be lost
And burdened down with care;

Don't ache for what you cannot reach,
In time, you will come too;
You cannot know, do not beseech -
Now is not time for you.

You dream I miss you: and I might,
And still watch, from above,
And warm your presence, in the night
Outlived by lasting love;

Or nothing may yet wait beyond,
And void alone is death.
But you won't care, when you are gone,
Live, live, while there is breath.

Joyful Wishes from Beyond the Oven

2007-11-22T10:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I feel a bit smug saying that, since I've already been eaten. Thanksgiving used to be a day of intense anxiety followed by deep disappointment. Now I can freely and cheerfully wish you joy. I'm thankful!

Wherever you are, whether you want to be there or not. Hope everything is juicy! Just please try to hold off on the Christmas music for a few more hours, if you don't mind.

Wish yourself away

2007-11-18T17:57:00.000-06:00

The holidays are a rough time for a lot of people. Before I got eaten, they were a real bitch for me: is this finally the one? Will this be the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year's/Easter/Fourth of July/St. Patrick's Day/Arbor Day for which I came into existence?

Now maybe your situation is a bit like mine was: stuck in the freezer with a bunch of green beans and frozen pizzas stacked on top of you, not knowing if you'll ever be able to get out. It's hard. You have this idealized vision of the perfect holiday feast, surrounded by the ones you love. And instead you have to go somewhere you don't want to be, with people you don't even like.

Did I say people? I meant frozen foods.

It's lonely, and frustrating to feel how little choice you have in matters that concern you the most. You don't get to decide who you live with or what you do or where you go. It shouldn't be this way.

"Pennsylvania Dutch" Sour Cream Apple Pie

2007-11-17T09:27:00.000-06:00

Via the Austin Chronicle, the most heavenly apple pie you will ever taste in your life.

Pennsylvania Dutch Sour Cream Apple Pie

crust:

1.5 cups flour

1/2 tsp salt

3 Tbs sugar

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1 stick cold unsalted butter, cut in chunks

2-4 Tbs ice cold apple juice to bind

Combine the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and cut in the cold butter chunks with a pastry cutter until the mixture resembles pea gravel. Carefully add the apple juice a little at a time until the dough comes together in a ball. Wrap the dough in plastic wrap and chill for at least an hour before rolling. Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface and place in a deep 10-inch pie pan, crimping the edges in a decorative pattern. Chill the pie shell while filling is assembled.

filling:

1 1/4 cup sour cream

1 large egg

3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup flour

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp vanilla

7 Granny Smith (or other crisp, tart apples) peeled, cored, and sliced

Preheat oven to 400deg. F. In a mixing bowl, whisk together the sour cream and the egg. Combine the sugar and flour and whisk into the liquid mixture. Add the salt and vanilla. Place the apple slices in the custard as they are sliced. Pour the apple custard into the prepared pie shell, place on a cookie sheet, and bake for 10 minutes at 400deg. F to set the crust. Lower the heat to 350deg. F and bake for 40 minutes more. While pie is baking, prepare topping.

topping:

1 cup flour

1/2 cup sugar

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp cinnamon

a dash of salt

1 cup walnut pieces

6 Tbs melted butter (approx)

Combine dry ingredients in a mixing bowl and carefully add melted butter, working with hands to form a crumbly topping. When the pie has baked 40 minutes, remove from oven, completely cover the apples with topping and return to oven for 10 minutes more at 350deg. F. Remove from oven and cool on a rack. This pie must be stored in the refrigerator but it tastes best at room temperature or warmed just a bit. It will serve 10 people and there are rarely any leftovers.

Cockblocking

2007-11-16T19:08:00.001-06:00

Frozen turkeys have no gender, all the parts of a living turkey that determine its sex having been long since removed. This goes double if you've been cooked and eaten.

So I don't know, really, whether the animal whose body became me was a turkey cock, or a turkey - um, hen. Nonetheless, as a direct (if spiritual) descendent of a fowl, I feel myself qualified to digress at some length on the phenomenon of cockblocking.

You may or may not be familiar with the term (though, if you've arrived here by googling it, you probably are). Generally speaking, to cockblock someone is to act in a manner that prevents that someone from getting laid. So, for example, a girl with a lot of gay male friends can be cockblocked if she goes out with one for a nice dinner and dancing: other men, who might be interested in approaching her, assume that she's on a date.

Similarly, women can cockblock their gay male friends. The term can even be used by a straight man to describe the effect of hanging around with a platonic female friend. I don't think it's generally used among lesbians, since in that case cocks aren't involved at all. But I could be wrong. I'm posting from the big happy freezer in the sky, okay? I might be a little out of touch.

But the most insidious form of cockblocking comes when the cockblocked person - let's say a woman - has feelings for the cockblocker. She's in love with him. He might or might not have similar feelings for her, but for whatever reason, he's not prepared to act on them, if he does. But he likes her and enjoys her; she's smart, she's pretty, she's funny, she's pleasant to look at and to be with, especially as she's so anxious to please him. He knows what her feelings are and enjoys those, too. So he encourages her - not too much, perhaps, but just enough, here and there, to ensure that her feelings don't fade, that she'll still hang on, hoping for him, hoping for more, wanting to be loved in return. They spend plenty of time together. She's usually very flirtatious, and he enjoys flirting back. But there's a clear line he's drawn that she can't cross; she can't get too close to him. She doesn't know how he feels about her.

Oh, he doesn't mean badly. He probably doesn't have a lot of experience with women, and discovering that this one has fallen head over heels for him is heady, but a bit intimidating. He's not a bad person by any means - if he were, why would a smart girl like her think he's so wonderful? But he's cockblocking the hell out her, because as long as she's hung up on him, she can't even think about anybody else.

I watch them, bemused, from the great joyful freezer in the sky. I pity them both. Heaven is knowing you're lucky you don't have any of those complicated gendery bits.

Now What?

2007-11-14T20:15:00.000-06:00

Where do frozen turkeys go after they are cooked and eaten?

I suppose the question of a frozen turkey's afterlife is, metaphysically speaking, a bit problematic. What, after all, happened to the living, breathing, gobbling turkey, the mortal creature that died so its body could become me? Perhaps it's in some other heaven: sunnier maybe, but not as plentifully provided with mashed potatoes. Or else it's just around the corner. Whatever the case, I haven't met it. I'm just as glad; wouldn't that be awkward?

But, metaphysics aside, here I am, writing to you: writing from another plane of existence, my earthly friends. And I wonder how the earth is treating you all? Are you still struggling? Have you figured it all out yet?

Well, you lack perspective, if you don't mind my saying so. I'm curious as to how you envision heaven. Earthbound poets usually portray it as some place of ultimate serenity, whose cloud-skipping, harp-strumming, halo-bedecked denizens spend every waking aeon contemplating the prospect of a benevolent eternity.

Boring!

Heaven is, as it has to be, much like Earth in a lot of ways, because you can't have contentment without struggle. It doesn't work that way. There's no sense of accomplishment, after all, without toiling for something. And joy is heightened by its contrast to the things that are not joyful: disappointment, sorrow, loss, even heartbreak. You can never truly know happiness without contrasting it against pain.

Heaven is perfection, and perfection lies in balance. So even still we must give up something we value in order to be granted something we prize. It's meant to be like this. Cranberry relish is sweeter for the bitter walnuts and morsels of orange rind nestled within. Mashed potatoes are creamier for the occasional lump.

My heaven is heaven indeed, so don't think for a moment that I'm not happy because TV dinners and Cheez Whiz stand side-by-side with the good things here. Some days are blissful and other days are not. Heaven is knowing that when things are bad, they will turn around for you again. And heaven is being the master of your own fate.

I'd like to start blogging again from this strangely clear new perspective. Perhaps I will help open an avenue towards understanding the ultimate meaning of existence. But if not, I can still post the occasional recipe.

I bless you with the eternal aroma of roasting turkey. Happy living!

Happy Ending

2007-01-01T23:26:00.000-06:00

I've been eaten, so this will be my last post. There will of course be turkey sandwiches, turkey casseroles, and turkey soups for a few days; but the climactic moment, the moment for which I came into existence and for which I have been breathlessly waiting for as long as I have been aware, has come and gone. I have fulfilled my destiny.

I was magnificent.

Here I am being unwrapped.

Here, I've been brushed all over with melted butter. What a delicious sensation!

I blush a little bit to show you this one. Carrots, onions, and bay leaves go - you know - inside.

Here I am ready to go into the oven!

And here I am all golden-brown and ready to carve. I bet my previous owner wishes he hadn't given me away now - but no. No, I have no need to be bitter. Just look at me!

It goes without saying there were mashed potatoes.

And here I am, juicy, carved, on the plate, with mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and black-eyed peas cooked with bacon, onions and collard greens. What a perfect New Year's feast!

From a (formerly) frozen turkey to you: May your 2007 be full and happy, may you always know what you want, and may you never have to wait too long for it.

Thawing, no, really, this time I really mean it!

2006-12-30T15:57:00.000-06:00

This isn't quite the way I always pictured it would be.

But I don't care. I'm being thawed! There can be no doubt about it. I'm going to be eaten. I think I'm going to be a New Year's Day dinner!

It's got me to thinking about how easy it is to lose sight of the present by focusing yourself completely on some perhaps unattainable ideal. Will the reality live up to my expectations? I have spent an awfully long time sitting around dreaming about the big dinner - the cranberries - the gravy - oh, the potatoes.

And of course the answer is that it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that it's really finally happening. This is my purpose and I will serve it to the best of my ability. And I'm not sorry, not really, not now, that I've had all this time in the freezer. It's taught me a lot. I'll never look at green beans the same way, that's for sure.

I really hope I'm tasty.

A change?

2006-12-23T13:01:00.000-06:00

Something has happened.

It's hard to understand, but must be a good sign, don't you think? This morning my owner took me out of the freezer, and I hoped he was going to start thawing me, but instead he packed me up and put me in the car and drove me across town, where he handed me to someone else. A new owner?

Oh my God. I've been regifted!

Not that I really care. After all, any owner has got to be more likely to eat me than the one I've had so far.

The new freezer is the same size as the old one, but with a lot more ice trays. They're empty. Also there are some frozen vegetables and - ooooooooh - potatoes.

I have fairly strong feelings about potatoes.

Two more days until Christmas! I think I'm finally going to be eaten! I'm so excited!

Just for a change

2006-12-17T18:40:00.000-06:00

Today I got eaten.

Psych!!!

Just eight more days till Christmas, though! If I don't get eaten then, maybe I'll take up knitting.

Travesty

2006-12-10T20:55:00.000-06:00

It's just wrong that I haven't been eaten yet, don't you think? Look at me: I'm plump! I'm juicy! I'm tender! I'm positively scrumptious!

Well, maybe Christmas 2006 will be the Big Day. I'm so ready. I hope the cranberry sauce isn't that canned crap, that's all I have to say. I deserve better.

Sometimes a frozen turkey is just a frozen turkey

2006-12-04T19:10:00.000-06:00

Today a reader asked me, "Is your blog just a metaphor for being stuck in a pointless, meaningless, dead-end job with no hope, no possible end in sight?"

No.

Musings

2006-12-03T11:50:00.000-06:00

Perhaps I should view this as an important lesson about the nature of existence: trapped in the wrong place, prevented by a random turn of circumstances from fulfilling my destiny.

Perhaps I'm lucky to have such a clear and unquestioned faith in what I was intended for. Many creatures don't have that.

It's important to keep these things in mind. All of us are powerless in one way or another, some more so than others. I am pretty completely so: there's nothing at all I can do, really, to bring about the culmination of all my dreams. Ironically, there are creatures like my owner, or like you, dear reader: gifted with free will and dazzling cognitive abilities, with talent, with beauty, with opposable thumbs: able to mold the world to your desires - only you have no idea what you want.

So take this lesson from a frozen turkey: Find your dream and pursue it, golden creature of freedom and power. And if you really have no idea what you want, you might try slathering yourself with mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce. It sure would work for me.

Worried

2006-12-01T18:49:00.000-06:00

As you can see, I did not get eaten for Thanksgiving. I didn't expect to be - or so I thought. I guess maybe I did.

When you want something really, really, achingly, desperately badly, it's almost impossible to believe that it might not happen.

Christmas is coming, but I'm nearly a year old now. Will my owner eat a frozen turkey that's a little over a year old? What if I taste off? What if I'm - oh, God forbid - dry?!?!?!?

Post-election musings

2006-11-09T14:17:00.000-06:00

Well, it looks like the Republicans got their asses moderately handed to them in the last election.

Many pundits have been speculating that the reason for this is because voters are merely reacting to arrogance and a sense of entitlement on the Republicans' part, and that this shift towards the left is not so much indicative of affinity for Democratic ideals as it is anger at the Bush administration and the things that the party in power has done over the last few years.

I'm sure there is some of that. However, I can't help thinking that, to some extent, the more "liberal" ideals of tolerance and laissez-faire (pardon my French) are not really as marketable as extremist philosophy. You shout about anger and about wanting drastic change. You can't really compose catchy chants about equality, fairness, justice, and peace. Or you can, of course; and throughout history, protesters have - but it's not as easy.

It seems to be "common knowledge" that the center-to-left movement lacks focus and passion. But is that really fair? Must politics always be about who can shout the loudest? Isn't it better to arrive at conclusions logically and dispassionately, rather than through knee-jerk reactions to outside stimuli? If so, it seems to me a great pity that people have to be roused to the point of outrage in order to bring about any meaningful change. This is a state of affairs that can only escalate, and to no one's ultimate benefit.

It will be interesting to see how the Democrats use their new leverage in Congress and the Senate; it is devoutly to be hoped that this recent change will lead to a new sense of balance and better dialogue between opposing sides. But I won't be around to see it, because I'm going to be eaten soon.

What does a frozen turkey dress as for Halloween?

2006-10-31T23:27:00.000-06:00

If the box on top of me is any indication, a frozen pizza.

Thanksgiving is getting so close. I don't dare to hope, but I can't help wondering. All I can think about is mashed potatoes. Do you ever have days like that?

A delicious recipe for me!

2006-10-15T17:32:00.000-05:00

From FoodNetwork.com, here is a delicious recipe for Good Eats Roast Turkey - that's me!

1 (14 to 16 pound) frozen young turkey
For the brine:
1 cup kosher salt
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 gallon vegetable stock
1 tablespoon black peppercorns
1/2 tablespoon allspice berries
1/2 tablespoon candied ginger
1 gallon iced water
For the aromatics:
1 red apple, sliced
1/2 onion, sliced
1 cinnamon stick
1 cup water
4 sprigs rosemary
6 leaves sage
Canola oil
Combine all brine ingredients, except ice water, in a stockpot, and bring to a boil. Stir to dissolve solids, then remove from heat, cool to room temperature, and refrigerate until thoroughly chilled.
Early on the day of cooking, (or late the night before) combine the brine and ice water in a clean 5-gallon bucket. Place thawed turkey breast side down in brine, cover, and refrigerate or set in cool area (like a basement) for 6 hours. Turn turkey over once, half way through brining.

A few minutes before roasting, heat oven to 500 degrees. Combine the apple, onion, cinnamon stick, and cup of water in a microwave safe dish and microwave on high for 5 minutes.

Remove bird from brine and rinse inside and out with cold water. Discard brine.

Place bird on roasting rack inside wide, low pan and pat dry with paper towels. Add steeped aromatics to cavity along with rosemary and sage. Tuck back wings and coat whole bird liberally with canola (or other neutral) oil.

Roast on lowest level of the oven at 500 degrees F. for 30 minutes. Remove from oven and cover breast with double layer of aluminum foil, insert probe thermometer into thickest part of the breast and return to oven, reducing temperature to 350 degrees F. Set thermometer alarm (if available) to 161 degrees. A 14 to 16 pound bird should require a total of 2 to 2 1/2 hours of roasting. Let turkey rest, loosely covered for 15 minutes before carving.

Oh, please, please, serve with lots of mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing and sweet potatoes and jellied cranberry sauce and just anything else that suits your fancy. Aren't you hungry? Aren't you??

I'm lonely.

2006-09-30T22:32:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feeling really lonely. There's nobody else like me here. I feel forgotten and abandoned. I am the turkey that nobody wants.

Why doesn't anybody want me?

My heart would break, but all I have is giblets.

Exciting day

2006-09-23T01:17:00.000-05:00

Today I was not eaten. Hello? Is anybody even out there?

We did have a bit of drama in the freezer, though. Some frozen blueberries spilled out and left purple stains in the ice bucket and you would not believe how upset that made the squash, which didn't matter because the squash got eaten about 10 pm. And what does that tell you?

Anyway, the squash said to the blueberries, "Watch where you're going! You're making a mess!" and the blueberries said, "Up yours, squash, we're going to get munched down on and you're going to be sitting around in here forever!" and the squash was pretty pissed about that, but then you should have seen the expression on the blueberries' faces when the squash got eaten! Oooh! Burn! Freezer burn!!

What - you were expecting sophisticated humor from a frozen turkey?

Not Labor Day

2006-09-08T00:36:00.000-05:00

Well, guess I'd better not be buying any white shoes.

Maybe Thanksgiving is it. Maybe so, who knows? But if not, it's okay. I am here to serve a purpose and it doesn't matter when that purpose is served. My faith has been cemented by these last few months in the freezer. I have this wonderful sense of serenity.

All the trimmings

2006-08-31T21:08:00.000-05:00

Does August even have any holidays that would justify eating a turkey? I don't think it does. But maybe I'm a Labor Day bird.

I don't even like to entertain hopes of being eaten for Thanksgiving, which is getting so close now. But last night I had that dream again.

Defrosting

2006-08-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

Today I got poked, seriously jabbed, by a stalactite. Or is it a stalagmite? The ones that hang down, you know. A frigging icicle, okay?

Anyway, the owner put me, and all the other freezer inhabitants, out on the counter for at least 45 minutes while he chipped and chiseled away, getting the freezer defrosted. I have to say, there's a lot more room in here now. But what might the partial thawing have done to me?

Sometimes I'm pained by the sense of just how much younger I'm not getting.

Heat

2006-08-13T00:18:00.000-05:00

It's on days like this that you're really glad you live in the freezer.

Didn't get eaten today, by the way.

Hopes

2006-07-31T14:21:00.000-05:00

Today there was a lot of activity in the freezer. My owner bought a carton of ice cream AND a frozen pizza.

I should have realized before that anybody who buys that much frozen pizza won't be cooking a turkey anytime soon.

But I am hopeful again. I don't know, I just get so down sometimes, you know? And I lose sight of the fact that we're talking about my destiny here, and my destiny will happen. I don't know when, but I know that it must. Predetermination may have its downside, but you gotta admit, you always know where you stand with it.

Soon.

Waiting and dreaming

2006-07-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

I hate the waiting game.

It's so hard when there's something you really want, really need, really believe in, and if only someone else, the right someone else, would believe half as much as you do, everything would work out, everything would be wonderful. And maybe it will - surely it will. But when?

Sorry this blog has taken a whiny turn lately. But last night I had a dream that I was hot and golden and full of cornbread stuffing, sitting on a big platter. I woke up and just wanted to cry.

Sad day

2006-06-14T01:42:00.000-05:00

Today I didn't get eaten. Again.

I know, I know, chin up, keep a stiff upper lip and all that stuff. But I don't even have a head.

Today I am feeling really down.

An idea

2006-06-03T11:17:00.000-05:00

Could he be saving me for Thanksgiving?

When you come to think of it, it's not really all that unlikely. Christmas isn't really about turkeys. It's more about geese, or hams. (I knew a few frozen geese back in the old days and hoo, boy, could I tell you some stories!) But Thanksgiving? It's all about the turkey!

That's a really exciting idea. I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up, because they've been dashed before. And Thanksgiving is still months away. And who knows, maybe my owner is actually wanting turkey dinner on Fourth of July, and I wouldn't complain about that! But Thanksgiving, now, that would really be something.

Spring!

2006-05-24T19:46:00.000-05:00

Ah, spring! When a frozen turkey's fancy turns to dinner.

Not that you're all that aware of the changing of the seasons when you live in a freezer.

Still, it's kind of primal, isn't it? The blood kind of gets to coursing in your veins - if you have all that stuff - and you feel fresh and young and full of life.

And of course I'm frozen and have been around for kind of a while now and am not, strictly speaking, alive in the first place. But still: spring!

Maybe Easter? Ha!

2006-05-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

Or maybe not.

I just need to learn patience. It has to happen sooner or later. Someday I must be eaten, I must be. It is my fate. I can't do anything to bring it about more quickly, but I also couldn't escape it if I wanted to. I will be eaten.

In the freezer still

2006-04-07T23:23:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt like blogging in a while.

The new freezer is a little bit larger than the other one, so that's nice. I do kind of wish my owner would quit piling stuff on top of me.

Sometimes my faith falters a little. But surely he wouldn't have kept me around for so long if he weren't going to eat me. I thought for sure St. Patrick's Day would be the day, but I guess I'll just have to keep waiting.

Maybe Easter!

False alarm

2006-03-11T19:44:00.000-06:00

It's almost more than a frozen turkey can take sometimes.

He packed me into a box with the other items from the refrigerator and freezer. He drove me to another apartment. He unpacked the box. He put me in the freezer.

This time there's a bag of frozen green beans right on top of me. I hate green beans.

It can't be good to have partially thawed and refrozen, can it? I hope I am still edible.

Thawing!

2006-03-10T17:39:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it! I'm being thawed! This is incredible! I'm out on the counter of my owner's apartment. This isn't right - he's supposed to thaw me in a sink full of water, but I don't want to be picky. This is it! I'm going to be eaten!

It's kind of odd for him to be starting a turkey this late in the day. The apartment seems big, and uncomfortably warm, after all my time in the freezer. There are lots of boxes.

He appears to be packing everything into boxes. What a strange thing to do. Well, as long as I'm getting eaten, I could care less if he does a hornpipe! Cranberry sauce, here I come!

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T22:24:00.000-06:00

Maybe he likes a turkey dinner on St. Patrick's Day.

Today is not the day

2006-02-05T18:22:00.000-06:00

A bunch of new arrivals from the grocery store today, including a frozen pizza on top of me. Well, it's not the first time it's happened, and I guess it won't be the last. I'm becoming inured to indignities.

Maybe it'll be Valentine's Day.

Not fair!

2006-01-30T18:19:00.000-06:00

What the hell has ice cream got that I haven't got?!? Huh?!?!?

I'm sorry. Trying to be patient. Still, what am I, chopped liver?

Looking on the bright side

2006-01-24T12:32:00.000-06:00

I haven't felt much like blogging in a while.

I mean, I guess I can keep indefinitely in the freezer, right? Maybe my owner doesn't like turkey on Christmas. Maybe he likes it for Valentine's Day. It's not like I really care. I'm frozen: I can wait.

Oh God, it was hard when the green beans got eaten, though. Hard to see other food come and go and still be waiting here. But I can wait! I'll keep telling myself that. I'm just as good as the day I was frozen. My dinner will come.

He didn't come for me.

2005-12-26T01:37:00.000-06:00

My owner didn't come. I am still frozen. In a tiny freezer. With green beans.

Can you imagine how it would feel to be warm and soft and juicy and covered with gravy? Oh, I can. I can't believe he didn't make me for Christmas dinner. He is not even here. I am alone.

Uneasy

2005-12-23T21:09:00.000-06:00

Well, the pizza got eaten day before yesterday, so that's good. But there's been absolutely no activity since then. Did my owner go out of town? Without me? Who's going to eat me then??

I tried asking the green beans, but they don't know anything.

Life in the freezer

2005-12-20T16:04:00.000-06:00

Okay, it turns out that frozen green beans aren't as good company as you might expect. And the freezer is really a lot smaller than I'm used to and a little cramped. Today my owner actually put a frozen pizza on top of me! Outrageous.

But it's all right. Before you know it I'll be roasting in that wonderful oven, then drizzled with gravy, cozying up to mashed potatoes and stuffing and cranberry sauce. The green beans can go on the other side of the plate.

I'm going to be eaten!

2005-12-14T17:39:00.000-06:00

These are exciting times, for a turkey. About 200 of my freezermates and I have just been purchased and distributed to employees as a Christmas gift - I hope it is no violation of modesty to say quite a handsome one, too. I'm in the freezer at my new owner's apartment. It's unbelievably tiny, compared to the place where I've passed my existence to date; but on the other hand, it's nice to have a place all to yourself. Well, except for the green beans.

Perhaps the green beans will be eaten as a side dish when I am served! Maybe I should try to make friends. I can't wait for Christmas dinner!